Half an autobiography

July 2, 2009
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July 2, 2009

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It’s raining stones…

June 15, 2009

It was well past the closing hours at the Shivas bar. A few friends of mine and I were still drinking when I felt a tug on my sleeve. It was the new trainee guy from work who had accompanied me to the bar. He lived at a PG and had a deadline of 10.30 to catch before the owner unleashed his little menaces – a Rottweiler and a German Shepherd. Reasonable, I thought. And hence, I ignored him. The little bugger started getting more worried as the hour hand approached 11. I asked him to stay over at a friend’s place in order to avoid the dogs. And the little prick said ‘no’. Apparently, he did not mind being shred to pieces by those giant dogs; they were of foreign origin after all. His problem was the local Indian street dogs. Brand consciousness with dog bites?!?! What is this world coming to? And yeah, thank god I am in advertising.

Found it!

June 9, 2009

I might be a computer graduate but technology is the last thing you want to discuss with me. I used to like creating computer viruses and all that when at school. A little bit of hacking and cracking was also highly amusing. But that’s about it. It is basically due to my laziness. Things in the world of technology have been moving so fast that my fat ass just hasn’t bothered to catch up and keep myself updated; and hence, the fast developing generation gap.

For instance, I keep getting these search engine recommendations from friends of all kinds – techies and non-techies as per Bangalore definition. They go on saying stuff like, “this search engine is better when searching for images” or “this one gets you the best music dude” or “this one gets you the best porn from the planet. The best mallu aunties”, and so on. I do not understand.

The choice between a Yahoo, Altavista, Ask Jeeves and a Google during the time of a dial up network connection was easy. The criterion was ‘speed’. But with the intervention of optic fibers and technologies a.k.a. acronyms I can’t remember, speed is no more a factor, at least for a regular user. So much so that, I guess people Google (the verb – astonishing) for the result when 2 is multiplied by 3 than use a calculator. I use my search engine to search the internet. As long as I get accurate results (no more a USP, but a given), I am happy. Whether it searches from within India, China or Burkina Faso, I do not care. And unless a new search engine, all those Bings and Bingles, makes enough progress to put Katrina Kaif on my bed when I search for her, or courier me a season ticket for Manchester United matches when my search string reads ‘MUFC’, I don’t give a fuck!

In an ideal world…

June 9, 2009

Autorickshaw drivers demanding extra fare is common knowledge these days and an inevitable part of every rick passenger’s life. But refusing to transport you because you can’t provide him a passenger at the point where you are dropped off – RIDICULOUS! It would be an ideal world then, wouldn’t it be? You reach your destination where a passenger awaits the coming of the maker, in this case, the rick guy. Not only should there be a passenger, he/she would also be the one who is ready to part with a few bucks over the meter reading. And yes, he should also choose a destination where another of his kind awaits. Or a place that is close to the rick guy’s residence, which would invariably be on the other side of the map from where you have to get off.

But then again, were it to be an ideal world, I wouldn’t need a rickshaw in the first place. Would I? I would not be working, hence eliminating my need to go to work. I would be in an inherited castle somewhere in the Swiss Alps – with enough amenities and aides around me to ensure that I do not have to step outside the stone walls till I die. And did I mention a lifelong Sky subscription? Or maybe in a less ideal scenario, I’d be working. But I would have wings and I would fly to office everyday.

Unplanned trips?

May 4, 2009

There are no such things as unplanned trips. Yeah. The same spontaneous ones you set off on, well past midnight. The ones that ensure that you apparently had tons of fun while your boring friends stayed home or went to PVR over the weekend. The ones that let you post snaps of yours with panoramic backdrops on Orkut and Facebook. In actuality however, they are just journeys you have been planning for weeks together. They are the same ones you have been apprehensive about since you saw your friend’s album on Picasa. They are the ones you have been postponing since you read that article on Outlook Traveller. They are the ones you have tucked way in a dark corner of your mind called desire. Now that you are three drinks down and much of those earlier inhibitions have melted away like the ice in your glass, you are ready to finally put it into action. And you dare to call it an unplanned trip?

The facebook conspiracy – the unsaid, the unheard and the unseen!

April 20, 2009

After Jesus Christ’s illicit affair, Kennedy’s assassination and CIA’s Gmail, the controversy theorists have found a new target – Facebook. The theory says that Facebook is a device used by the CIA to create a huge database of the users from across the globe. On second thoughts, it is quite possible.

Imagine the malice and hazards you can be subjected to with the kind of information you have handed over through Facebook. This data, compiled and processed, will be passed on to the American army.

Armed with the knowledge of your favourite colour, band and holiday spots, the American soldiers will have an edge over you during the next world war. They will hit you with colour pellets of all the colours but your favourite colour. You sink into depression. At this point, an American soldier will rush to you and tell you how he knows all about your girlfriend who broke up with you a couple of weeks back. He will also tell you about a few downloaded pictures of hers (from her FB album), morphed and otherwise, that he has pinned up in his tent – for a certain purpose. You are in tears. He will also tell you how she will move to Paris in ten days. Thanks to the ‘Where would you be living after 10 days’ application. He will go on and inform you that her ‘Perfect Celebrity Match’ is Garfield – to further demotivate you. And the fact that you do not even remotely resemble the fat cat won’t help the cause. By this time, you are completely heartbroken and are busy with the ‘What weapon would give you the most painless death’ application.

If the theorists are to be believed, the Americans have been using this process successfully and repeatedly to wipe off enemy soldiers, entire battalions at a time. Slowly, but effectively.

Since we have established that Facebook is one of CIA’s cyber weapons of mass destruction, I suggest you don’t open any of those mails with “For ultimate pleasure” as the subject line. For all you know, the attachment could contain the AIDS virus. Biological warfare of course!

Where fools dare…

April 6, 2009

He could almost feel the teeth sink into his flesh as he tore through the woods. The chase seemed endless. And the wolf, tireless. She had been on his trail for almost an hour now. She had picked up the scent of his blood at the brook, the man-eater.

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The Onbitwish Woods had been his playground for over a decade now; just like it was for the young men and women around him. The older ones often told them stories of the lurking dangers at the heart of the woods. Some of them told tales of their own experiences with the perils; the ones who survived; the ones with scarred bodies and hearts. The others were never spoken about. But as was the case with most young ears, the wisdom largely went unheard. While some novices shriveled away, the more daring explored. But it was probably the effect of the barrage, no one dared go down too deep. Beyond return. Beyond redemption. But on that unfortunate evening, the gates opened for him, to the land of no return.

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The woods seemed to be all around now, closing in on him; smothering him. He closed his eyes for one moment, trying to recall those countless times he had come to pick up berries, pluck herbs, and collect pebbles. How he jogged along directionless and yet ended up at the clearing near the hills, where the shepherds played cricket. His mind was blank. The track that used to emerge from behind the trees stayed hidden. He had come too far.

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Nobody in the village liked the Robinsons. He loved them. They always spoke fondly of the woods. They were the proud and unscathed survivors. He spent most of the time sitting around their verandah, listening to their story about the woods. It was unlike anything the others would say. They spoke of flowers, of fruits and shining dewdrops. Of deer, of chirping birds and sun rays that wriggled through the leaves. They never spoke of the dark heart of the woods. They never spoke of hidden dangers. They spoke about trees that talked and leaves that tickled. Of streams that sang and creepers that danced. They never mentioned the land of no return.

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The rustling of the leaves was louder now. She was close. And then, he saw it. Two sparkling eyes, red as blood, were staring at him through the thick bushes. Beads of sweat populated his forehead as the creature emerged from the thicket. He stood frozen as it dashed towards him, his eyes closed in a prayer he was trying hard to remember. The words of the elders and the Robinsons echoed in his head. The elders were louder.

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His mother never let him visit the Robinsons. Nor did his father. They had never been to the woods themselves. Still they had a happy life. So why should their only son do anything different? Perfectly reasonable. But the Robinsons had gone to the woods too. And they were happier. Every time he posed the question, he was sent to his room.

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Seconds ticked. Nothing happened. No weight on his body, crushing him to the ground. No canines ripping his throat apart. He opened his eyes, nervously. The wolf was gone. A small pit had opened up in front of him, the kind hunters dug for wild boars. The creature had fallen into the trap. Gathering the little bit of courage that was left, he slowly approached the pit. The wolf was in it, curled up in a corner. It was writhing in agony. It had broken a limb during the fall, he reckoned. He turned back and walked, looking back every now and then, thanking his stars. He reached the clearing by dusk.

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The night was restless. He couldn’t sleep. Images of the wolf in pain returned to haunt him. What if the poor thing was hunting for its starving cubs? What would become of the cubs if the wolf died in the pit? What if? A million questions troubled him at first and then slowly lulled him to sleep.

His father’s cuckoo clock woke him up in the morning. He had his breakfast quick and fast. He picked up a piece of rope and chunk of meat from the storeroom. Kissing his mom good bye, he rushed towards the clearing and into the jungle. This time, the only voice in his head was of the Robinsons.

The new sun

April 2, 2009

The day the last sun painfully set
The brave candle parted with its fighting flame
The pale moon shone betrayed and bereft
The nightingale forgot his song in shame

The stream never laughed her teasing giggle
And the rainbow shed its every colour
The pool of tears looked a treacherous puddle
Even cupid seemed to have lost his power

Silver linings burnt as lightning ceaselessly struck
The only tunnel closed shut its cast iron door
Even open graves resembled strokes of luck
Love seemed to live only in dusty pages of folklore

And then just like that she came along
Giving me a new sun and the nightingale his song

The recession song!

March 19, 2009

Swipe your card at nine in the morn,
Rush to the monitor and do switch it on,
Even work on a file that is already complete
But don’t make it seem you are idle at your seat
Cut down your smoke breaks to five, maybe six
Double the number of your brownie point ticks
When a friend comes to chat do shoo him away
For he won’t pay you on the salary day
Gtalk was good when there was no firing
But now close the window, coz no one’s even hiring
Don’t let the pink slips land on your table
Pretend you’re good, the best and the able
Stick by the rules and you may beat recession
Or else there’s no go, but to join the procession